2018 – what a whirlwind.
I don’t choose to make resolutions as I find that they can be incredibly hard to stick to and you find yourself penalising yourself when you have that bite of brownie, draw of a cigarette, don’t go to the gym for 49502 days, etc, etc… BUT I do enjoy attempting to find a little more balance in my life in the new year and reflecting on what I may have done less or more in the previous year.
Pregnancy aided my anxiety in 2018, I know for many the uncertainties of pregnancy can bring about an appearance of anxiety with the constant worry of whether your little one is thriving, whether you’re eating the right things and avoiding the wrong ones or simply whether they’re “okay” in there. But for me, my anxieties lessened and I have found that since Rex was born they have begun to sting me again and lead me down paths I thought I’d never cross again. In 2019, I’m hoping to steer myself in the right direction once more. Finding joy in the small things and not sweating what I cannot control. This is obviously much easier said than done and when I’m in the midst of a flare up of anxiety, even with my mindset of breathing through it and reflecting on the good in my life, I still find myself in a vicious spiral of unconscious thought.
Another task I’d like to set myself in 2018, is to get to know ME. I’ve always been a pretty selfless person and I’ve found that being a Mother has changed me in ways I never imagined possible. I have found that I NEED to take time for myself, enjoy being in my own company and sometimes crave my own company – needless to say, this has never been a feature of my past. I was always drawn to a place with people, to my best friend’s in the evening when I had nothing to occupy my mind, to my restaurant during the day when I found myself alone in my own head. With the ability and need to be on my own more, I want to accept myself – every crazy inch of my own thoughts and feelings and realise that I am enough. Thoughts of self deprecation plague everyone’s minds, but I find that more often than not I am doubting myself, looking in the mirror overcome with dislike over what I see staring back at me or saying something and immediately thinking ‘who would want to hear that? why did you even say that?’ I want to make peace with myself, seek comfort in the solace of my own home, be alone with my thoughts without criticism.
I could easily have found a thousand other things that I wanted to change in 2018 – to slim down after the birth of my son has left my body a little wiggly where it perhaps shouldn’t be and marked from the rotund belly all 7lbs 12oz of him gave me in the end, and perhaps I will start working on the more physical things but for now, I need to gain a positive mindset to pull me forward into 2019.
I hope you are all comfortable and content with the tasks you have set yourself for the year ahead, and if you haven’t set yourself any intent for change then I hope you are content with who you are right now and know that you are enough.