The 1st Trimester: “We lost one..”

Well, the word is out – baby number 2 is due in January 2020.

I have a series of posts scheduled documenting the in’s and out’s of my first trimester as I am announcing at nearly 14 weeks so I’ve been hiding away substantially on social media and dealing with the realities of being pregnant with a one year old. I’ll be honest, I wasn’t entirely interested in announcing this pregnancy to the world – I was massively aware that my social media following had dramatically increased since having Rex and therefore more people, more opinions and some of which, I may not like as is the world of Instagram. My Husband was keen to put it out there as we were beginning to lose track of who out of our family/friends knew, and who didn’t therefore meaning we were constantly popping our feet into our mouths.

I digress, this post is the first I will be scheduling because it is the toughest for me to write and I just want you to have an insight into the last 3+ months. I never want to simply write about the positives in my life – that wouldn’t be fair, after all, not everything can be seen through rose tinted glasses..

As I type this, I’m scrolling back reading through messages sent to my parents, Andy to remember the details as it’s all such a crazy blur. At 6.5 weeks pregnant, I began getting severe cramps in my left side – so painful that I would be doubled up in pain for the entirety and then they’d subside as quickly as they came. I went to the GP to get checked over, she was immediately concerned about the possibility of an ectopic pregnancy and sent me to be scanned at the local EPU. We waited, what seemed like 10 hours but was actually 3, got scanned and everything looked normal – no foetal pole but a clear gestational sac – all leading towards a positive implantation. When we left the scan, Andy was adamant that he had seen two but couldn’t be sure – after thinking about it, he said it must have been shadows as he has no idea what he is looking for.

Due to the fact that there was no foetal pole detected, we were asked to come back for a follow up ultrasound on 7th June when I would have been almost 8 weeks. After the cramping, I was worried and I went into the scan thinking that there would be a possibility of two outcomes: no baby or a healthy baby. What I got, was secret option number 3 – two but one healthy. I don’t even think I said anything in the scan, just waited for her to go over my ovaries, check the second and make sure that I would have no further issues and that it would just be “brushed to the side, not impacting the healthy baby whatsoever” – honestly, to this day, at nearly 14 weeks pregnant, I don’t know how I feel about the whole thing. I don’t think I’ve even actively processed it in my own brain and even at my 12 week scan that little dark patch that was our twin B was still visible as a reminder.

I am extremely grateful for this babe but I still can’t help but wonder what would have been. I’ve gone through whether I did something wrong a million times and know that I didn’t – it just wasn’t to be.

So, that is a small part of the last nearly 14 weeks of my life – I’m excited to document and chat about everything else, the good, the bad and the vomit. You are so welcome.


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